Have you ever…

So I decided to kick up the funny a bit and offer an idea while enjoying the first of my triple S’s last night. If you are unaware, the triple “S” is perhaps the perfect end, or beginning, to any day on Earth. Shit, shower, shave. In that order or it just doesn’t work.I’m guessing the last S is not as enjoyable for females as the first 2, but for guys it can be somewhat relaxing I think. Maybe the last S for women could be soak. Shower then soak in tub ladies, why sit and stew in your own dirty water? Gross!

All you you who have children have had to sit through the torture that is children’s programming. For those of you expecting or planning to expect children, you may use this as a field guide for your future encounters.

What I’m going to do is take one show at a time and step back and offer a literal view as though we were almost looking at a documentary instead of some children’s based feature.

For the first entry, I’m going balls to the wall, straight for the top with Dora the Explorer. Personally Dora annoys the crap out of me. It might not be so bad if she didn’t wait so friggen long to respond. Anyway, let’s evaluate.

Official Show Description: Dora the Explorer teaches children how to observe situations and solve problems as they explore Dora’s world with her. Along the way, kids learn basic Spanish words and phrases, as well as math skills, music, and physical coordination. The show is highly interactive, and Dora’s young viewers are encouraged throughout the show to respond to Dora and to actively participate in the adventure through physical movement.

First of all, we have some young girl who lives in a Tropical place, I’m guessing Mexico, and her best friend is a monkey who wears boots. The camera crew following her must be well paid to put up with some of those hi-jinx. However, I wanna see more parental involvement here. Obviously they don’t have enough money to buy proper fitting clothing for their child so she can cover up that little muffin top she’s developing. For you parents out there, doesn’t a red flag pop up when your kid runs out into the jungle with her best friend monkey? A monkey…they let their child befriend a monkey and several other jungle related critters. I also wonder if they ever talk to this kid about what she did that day. Dora must be a really good liar because her parents can’t possibly know the truth. Unless they’re too stoned at the end of the day to care.

I think her Dad is a drug lord. They have a nice house in the middle of the jungle in a tropical location and he’s never around. Mom must either work in Dad’s opium den or she stays indoors to cook the meth with those babies that seem to come and go when it’s convenient. Have you ever seen his mustache? That just spells trouble right there. Besides, who else but a drug lord could afford such a wickedly well stocked backpack. Where can I get one of those, she asks the camera crew to say “Backpack, backpack” and the thing magically creates whatever you need right then. I wonder to what extent does that work? Can Dad borrow it and summon a whore for parties or maybe some firearms to assist in collections? Just curious…

Two last questions. Where the hell did that crazy computer arrow come from and why does whe always have to yell? Why is it themed like a computer program? What does the computer have anything to do with asking for vocal responses in this twisted world of drug induced adventures with talking animals and an unlimited pool of resources? Hey Dora, STOP YELLING and PAY ATTENTION. When she asks a question, she waits so long the kids watching must start to second guess themselves creating a lack of confidence in their answers. I’ve counted 6 seconds AFTER my 2 year old mimicked my 3 year old and vocalized the same requested response. WTF??? That map has to think Dora is stupid too. Why else would it repeat the 3 step instructions so many damn times! ENOUGH!

The camera crew following this little weirdo needs to be fired. I assume its a camera crew filming this crazy kid and her adventures. Who in their right mind wold let some little kid get in planes and boats and cars driven by named talking bulls? Wherever this world of crazy is, I don’t wanna join it.

SNL once did a great parody of Dora called Maraka, link provided for your pleasure.

Any show suggestions? I have a few in mind right now such as Doodlebops, Johnny and the Sprites, Blues Clues, etc… I’d prefer to start with shows that involve human type interactions but full animations such as Dora are fair game as well. Again, it’s all in fun and these twisted thoughts provide my own entertainment during the nausiating time I must spend watching every now and then with my kids.