2 for Tuesday part 2

Ok, so I promised 2 in the title but that doesn’t mean I have that much to say. My head is swimmy as I am detoxing from my daytime meds and I won’t have a refill until Thursday afternoon. So you’ll have to excuse any rambling. I was thinking I might do a new music post as new music is released on Tuesday but this weeks offerings are not at all impressive. I like Gavin DeGraw, but I’ll wait for the stripped version as that was better the last time he released a record. So far, this one is not as impressive. New music from Augustana came out last week, and the previews on iTunes sound great but I haven’t bought it yet. Yes, I do buy music.

My almost 4 year old is now finally fully potty trained. She decided a week ago to start and I would say she has earned a grade of an A in the process. No mishaps, backwards progress or anything else. Just perfection. Now our two year old desperately wants to join the potty party and Mrs. Hockeyman will have a GREAT story about just how desperate. I won’t steal that from you dear so you better deliver the goods.

OK, off to bed with my laptop setup next to my bed so I can watch the Mets play the Dodgers in LA.

Weekend Acceptances

This weekend marked a major milestone for the Hockeyman family. Our oldest, now 3 and a half, has completed the chart on the My Throne potty training game. For a strong willed child who would never even wear panties on any uncertain terms until about 2 months ago. We are quite proud parents. Her picture is below.

The other accepting moment for me came while visitng the wife’s grandmother in a skilled nursing center/nursing home. She had a small stroke 2 weeks ago and I have to say is as close to normal as I’ve ever seen her. However, as we were leaving and she was expressing her gratitude for our visit she told me I was just like her own grandchild. I know, legally I am connected but to actually hear that you are thought of, appreciated and loved as though we’d know each other my entire life was special to me. Her husband passed away almost a year ago and I truly mourned the loss. We never spent much time with them because they lived 9 hours by car away, but he was still important to me for my own selfish reasons. All of my grandparents are now deceased and I never came close to ever meeting my grandfathers as they passed long before I was born so my wife’s grandparents are more important to me than even she knows. I have always felt like I was as much a part of the family as anyone else, but to actually hear it touched me deeply.

Our little princess and her crown…

Miss me?

Ok, so I haven’t posted anything all week. Sorry about that but I’ve been really busy. On Tuesday we started potty training the newly willing 3.5 child. This was so monumental for us that on the first full day I skipped playing hockey to be home with her. Ironically she fell asleep that night at 8:00, 15 minutes before my game was supposed to start. Oh well, I’ll be back next week. I am happy to report as far as I know she’s only had 1 accident since we eliminated diapers from her life on Tuesday. She gets a night time pull up, but based on her progress she will be losing that soon as well. Hooray for her and hooray for us!

Nothing like some lunch with Daddy on a Friday afternoon…

Weekend Update

So we finished our mini and impromptu vacation with my mom at her timeshare resort. Boy do we wish we could do that every weekend! It really was a wonderful time where nothing was actually planned except the pool. Our kids will sprout gills any day now and as I process all that we did or didn’t do, I’ll post more. In the meantime let the pics below show how well things went. Or you can read this.

On another note, I want to extend a big FUCK YOU to the Brawny paper towel folks. I’ve seen 2 commercials now where they advertise husbands as being sloppy in the kitchen and unable to properly rinse dishes. I feel like a caveman watching a Geico commercial and I am offended by the ads. I am 100000 times cleaner when I cook and I rinse my dishes 100% more than Mrs. Hockeyman. So fuck you Brawny, next time pick a different mascot than the muscular Brawny man if you’re going to make fun of him in your commercial.

Anyway, here are the happy results of the weekend…

Trouble Naps

Passed Out

Sleepy Bear in couch

Have you ever…

So I decided to kick up the funny a bit and offer an idea while enjoying the first of my triple S’s last night. If you are unaware, the triple “S” is perhaps the perfect end, or beginning, to any day on Earth. Shit, shower, shave. In that order or it just doesn’t work.I’m guessing the last S is not as enjoyable for females as the first 2, but for guys it can be somewhat relaxing I think. Maybe the last S for women could be soak. Shower then soak in tub ladies, why sit and stew in your own dirty water? Gross!

All you you who have children have had to sit through the torture that is children’s programming. For those of you expecting or planning to expect children, you may use this as a field guide for your future encounters.

What I’m going to do is take one show at a time and step back and offer a literal view as though we were almost looking at a documentary instead of some children’s based feature.

For the first entry, I’m going balls to the wall, straight for the top with Dora the Explorer. Personally Dora annoys the crap out of me. It might not be so bad if she didn’t wait so friggen long to respond. Anyway, let’s evaluate.

Official Show Description: Dora the Explorer teaches children how to observe situations and solve problems as they explore Dora’s world with her. Along the way, kids learn basic Spanish words and phrases, as well as math skills, music, and physical coordination. The show is highly interactive, and Dora’s young viewers are encouraged throughout the show to respond to Dora and to actively participate in the adventure through physical movement.

First of all, we have some young girl who lives in a Tropical place, I’m guessing Mexico, and her best friend is a monkey who wears boots. The camera crew following her must be well paid to put up with some of those hi-jinx. However, I wanna see more parental involvement here. Obviously they don’t have enough money to buy proper fitting clothing for their child so she can cover up that little muffin top she’s developing. For you parents out there, doesn’t a red flag pop up when your kid runs out into the jungle with her best friend monkey? A monkey…they let their child befriend a monkey and several other jungle related critters. I also wonder if they ever talk to this kid about what she did that day. Dora must be a really good liar because her parents can’t possibly know the truth. Unless they’re too stoned at the end of the day to care.

I think her Dad is a drug lord. They have a nice house in the middle of the jungle in a tropical location and he’s never around. Mom must either work in Dad’s opium den or she stays indoors to cook the meth with those babies that seem to come and go when it’s convenient. Have you ever seen his mustache? That just spells trouble right there. Besides, who else but a drug lord could afford such a wickedly well stocked backpack. Where can I get one of those, she asks the camera crew to say “Backpack, backpack” and the thing magically creates whatever you need right then. I wonder to what extent does that work? Can Dad borrow it and summon a whore for parties or maybe some firearms to assist in collections? Just curious…

Two last questions. Where the hell did that crazy computer arrow come from and why does whe always have to yell? Why is it themed like a computer program? What does the computer have anything to do with asking for vocal responses in this twisted world of drug induced adventures with talking animals and an unlimited pool of resources? Hey Dora, STOP YELLING and PAY ATTENTION. When she asks a question, she waits so long the kids watching must start to second guess themselves creating a lack of confidence in their answers. I’ve counted 6 seconds AFTER my 2 year old mimicked my 3 year old and vocalized the same requested response. WTF??? That map has to think Dora is stupid too. Why else would it repeat the 3 step instructions so many damn times! ENOUGH!

The camera crew following this little weirdo needs to be fired. I assume its a camera crew filming this crazy kid and her adventures. Who in their right mind wold let some little kid get in planes and boats and cars driven by named talking bulls? Wherever this world of crazy is, I don’t wanna join it.

SNL once did a great parody of Dora called Maraka, link provided for your pleasure.

Any show suggestions? I have a few in mind right now such as Doodlebops, Johnny and the Sprites, Blues Clues, etc… I’d prefer to start with shows that involve human type interactions but full animations such as Dora are fair game as well. Again, it’s all in fun and these twisted thoughts provide my own entertainment during the nausiating time I must spend watching every now and then with my kids.

You’re messing up my circles

So after one incredibly fun weekend with just me and my girls, tomorrow I return to the real world. Back to the daily grind and normal routines. I’m kinda bummed about that, but papa’s gotta pay some bills and the IRS is gonna hit us with a nasty bill this year. As I return to the grind, my heart and prayers will be with the cousin my wife lost last week. I was unable to join her in saying goodbye and offer my personal condolances but I was there in spirit. The whole thing made me appreciate even more the one on one time I had with my kids. As tired as they made me, I kow I made them just as tired and the bond we created shall remain forever.

I would post pictures of my weekend but I don’t have my own camera. Camera phone pics are not the best for sharing with others on the web. Most humorous things I experienced are inside jokes and wouldn’t mean much now. Like the subject of this message. As I put my 3 year old to bed she was making circles with her finger in the air and when I leaned in to kiss her goodnight her response was “You’re messing up my circles.”

Follow Up…

So I have 2 full days in the books of Dad flying solo with two toddler girls. Here’s a quick recap:

1. What did we do?
   Grocery Store, Target, started flower patch, eat, eat and eat some more, went to park/playground with friends, had friends over, snacked on various treats, SeaWorld, played card games, colored, bathed,, finger painted.
2. What did we accomplish that might be useful?
   What do you think the answer is? Not a damned thing!
3. How are the kids?
   Alive, sleeping, worn out.
4. How am I?
   Alive, almost sleeping, fucking whooped!

What’s next? The Mrs gets in tomorrow at 11, lunch plans are set and when we get home, I will be able to cut the grass and do some dishes. Peace out…

What Can I Say?

If you were not aware of my wife’s blog, see here and please comment how the heck you found me! Anyway as you know for this weekend I have been turned into a stay at home single Dad while my wife attends to our family tragedy. If only tragedy were a strong enough word…

To be honest I am quite sick of death in my family. I have had far more than my share lately and I’m losing my nerve for handling all the emotion. It started 2 years ago. Keep that in mind, 2 years. The day my second daughter was born after about 8 hours of elation and being awake for about 32 straight hours I got the call that my father had suddenly died from a heart attack. Talk about emotions. Since then, my family through blood and marriage have lost my wife’s uncle (father to the recent tragedy), her great grandmother, her grandfather, my aunt, my father’s aunt, my grandmother, and now her cousin of same age with child. Honestly I hope I didn’t forget anybody because that would be awful but it’s late and it’s a rather lengthy list for just 2 years. Or is it? Is this kind of wave normal? We all have the marriage and baby waves with friends, but death?

Anyway, I will do my best to post each day about what I feel like after raising two toddler girls by myself for a couple days. I am not afraid at all and I actually am excited about doing so. I love one-on-one time with the kiddos and plan to make the most of it. Today and tomorrow might be harder because I do have to worry about my other actual paying job as best I can. I do have people who work for me and some actual serious responsibility there. Scary, I know.

My first real link acquired by myself is out there! Go to Humor-Blogs and click on my name so I get credit for the link. Maybe someday soon I will get humorous. I think I will follow the lead of my wife and find embarassing family photos to entertain my few readers. Sorry sis…

Blaaaaah

What could be worse than being an insomniac and running out of Ambien? Throw a cold on top of it. So not only did I not fall asleep until sometime after 2 (hypothesizing) but I couldn’t breathe either. What that means is that tonight I will get some sleep as I only had about 4 hours last night…

On the bright side, my 3 year old did read 6 stories to me while I was taking a rest on the couch. No, she cannot read, she just makes up stuff based on the pictures. I was also not allowed to talk or make noise while she read. She made those rules VERY clear.

To leave you on some funnier notes, here are my favorite shirts of the day/week.

This one is specifically for Sarcastic Mom who almost picked a spam fight with me. Until I threatened her with the power of Basedow.

This is only as offensive as the words your brain substitutes for the pictures.

Weekend Fun

After work Friday I met the girls at a birthday party where for the first time in their life and mine, we flew a kite. Kinda cool but kinda boring at the same time…weird.

Saturday cancelled outdoor plans with rain so we went to the Florida mall. Almost bought a Mets jersey and t-shirt for the girls but showed some restraint and put them back on the rack. We hit the spots we had to hit, a tour of the Disney store, nothing purchased, the Apple store so they could sit on the kiddie bean bags and play the kiddie games on the iMacs setup for kids usage. Bought a cool Dr. Seuss ABC game. Went to the bookstore which is a favorite place for both kids. Sent the wife to the M&M’s store with the girls while I had my glasses fixed. Bought various candy from Dylan’s Candy Bar. Fun fun and not too expensive.

Saturday night I played hockey and we lost and played a shitty ugly game. The ending was marred by a teammate acting like an asshole and started fighting and other dirtyness to earn a 3 game suspension. Since we have 1 regular season game left before our 3 game playoffs my vote was for him not to come back at all. He acted like a jerk and hurt the rest of us by shortening our roster at a critical time. I hope it was worth it…

Sunday brought more rain, and our only venture out was to get some lunch. Dishes, laundry, finger-painting, baseball and Nascar on TV ensued. There was a funny popcorn incident where my girls and I split a bag of popcorn 80/20 and I sat them at the table. After about 15 minutes later they admitted to making a face in the popcorn with the table salt and pepper by emptying the entire shaker contents into their bowl. Obviously after a few more pieces they were suddenly done with their popcorn. Just some basic average middle america home time fir us suburbanites. Not to mention we are on round 57 of putting the kids back in bed.

The best commercial just came on. It was for a new pill for heartburn called ACIPHEX. That may not seem bad but if you say it aloud as it was pronounced on TV, you’ll hear yourself saying “ass effects.” Whose the braniac that thought of this? You get acid reflux, gerd or some heartburn and they prescribe ass effects with a straight face? HA! So I guess they take your stomach acid and heartburn and redirect it through your ass. Wonderful! The most common side effect possibly related to ACIPHEX is headache. Symptom relief does not rule out other serious stomach conditions. I’m guessing the headache is from squeezing all that heartburn out your ass and the other serious stomach conditions incude musical farting that could be studied in music theory classes at Carnegie.

Hilarious Muppet Bloopers — for your viewing pleasure